What happens when you put “England” in an image search

England is, without a doubt, fantastic – the creator of all things and a shining beacon to the world of how everything should be done.

And if you want to know what the rest of the world thinks of when they lay down and think of England, you can turn to a free pictures website.

Stock images are also fantastic, but not as fantastic as England. If you need to illustrate something – and you have nothing to do – then stock footage is your friend.

Decent sites order their images by which are most used and downloaded, or by using a voting and rating system – so over time the prettiest, purest and best float to the top and rule the rest. Just like the British government.

So what if you type “England” or “English” into a bunch of free stock image search engines?

This…

A cup of tea. The most English thing we’ve ever created. Well stolen. But after stealing it from China, we started growing tea in parts of the British Empire, which we also stole. But then we made our own tea – pouring lots of milk and sugar into it to make it drinkable.

The milk should go in last, of course. And tea should always be served with cookies and a fuzzy book. You don’t have to drink it from a cup draped in the UK flag.

Porcelain mugs with floral designs and gold spoons are also acceptable accompaniments.

Tea isn’t the only edible to come up when you search for England, there’s also this type…

The greatest culinary invention England has ever bestowed upon mankind. Full English breakfast. Surely this free image of a full English breakfast is a crime against humanity. Is it hash brown? And some numty seem to have spilled grass clippings all over the whole thing. But you get the idea.

There is also this…

Roast beef. So good that even the French shout it when they see us, because they love us so much. The French insult for the English is Les Rosbifs. Weird Insult – The ‘Best Part of Sunday’. The ‘Dinner we can’t wait all week’. Stupid French.

And then there is this…

Fish and chips. The real reason we are the greatest nation on Earth. In England, you are never more than 100 meters from a fish and chip shop. Probably. Great with sauce and peas in the north or irony and a second mortgage in London.

Obviously, we did not invent the kebab. But we only came up with eating it while drunk and spilling half of it on the sidewalk and the other half in the Uber on the way home.

It’s not just food and drink on old search engines. There are also many people who appear at the top of the list when you search for what England means.

Millicent Fawcett – politician, feminist writer, suffragette and first woman to be honored with a statue in Parliament Square.

Queen Vic – Britain’s oldest monarch and the reason there’s so much foreign stuff in all our museums.

Queen Liz – for some reason depicted in a very small form, next to an old radio. No, me neither.

Mr Bean – Thanks Rowan, for some reason when people think of England they think of Mr Bean. Minis and Teddy Bears, Twiglets and Queen Headbutts.

The Beatles – Obverse. Generals of the British invasion. Without the Beatles, we wouldn’t have this song about frogs, veggie sausages or the one about a yellow submarine. Or Thomas the Tank Engine.

Shaksespeare – Almost as good as the Beatles.

George Orwell – the man who gave the world Big Brother (not that one) and Room 101 (not that one). Today’s world governments apparently saw 1984 not so much as a warning but as an instruction manual. And so England now has more CCTV cameras than anywhere else on earth.

And of course, many English icons appear when you search for “England”.

Phone booths, you wait forever and then…

Of course, most cabins no longer contain a real telephone.

This one still has a phone, he also has a defibrillator for that heart attack you’re suffering from when you realize how much it costs to make a phone call these days.

Big red double-decker buses.

Castles (Windsor)

The Thames – one of many rivers across the country whose name actually means “river”.

These guys – skinning bears forever.

Shops – Napoleon called us a nation of traders. So we went to fight him in war and Abba wrote a song about it.

Black cabs.

Mail boxes.

English. Definitely something we gave to the world. A language so brilliantly designed that anyone in the world can understand it if you speak louder.

This image also appears. A dictionary, open to the word ‘virus’. OK.

Undoubtedly the greatest English invention – rain. Go anywhere in the world and ask anyone about England and the conversation will quickly turn to rain. Be trapped in any situation with someone speaking English where conversation is unavoidable and rain will be at the top of the list.

We made rain, we exported it all over the world. There should be a flag on each raindrop. I’ll ask Boris.

And the passports. Did we invent them? Thanks to Brexit, they are definitely the right color. And yes, it may have crushed our economy so badly that the world was thrown into a global recession. But when we can afford to go on vacation, our passports – made in France and complete with 11 French words on the front – will not be burgundy.

Old fashioned, maybe Welsh and no one knows exactly what it’s for. England is also home to Stonehenge.

So there you have it, that’s what happens when you put the word Egland into an image search engine.

Yes, we invented television, the Internet, hospitals, radios, steam engines, jet engines, thermoses and stainless steel.

But tea and Mr Bean, right?

Michael C. Garrison